she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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