I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
