I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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