did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
