now i know why i became what i already was.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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