If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
