I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
