it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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