I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
