we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
