I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
