My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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