I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Randomize
