I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
