I'm laying in your front yard are you home
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I understand Curling. That high.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
