Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just gargled with NyQuil
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
