she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
