omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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