I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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