chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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