I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
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You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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