He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
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Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
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Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize