i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
