I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
