new low.... made out with someone while peeing
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
