Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
