my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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