i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
