There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
