Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my shit smells like andre
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
