Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
