Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
