I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
