I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
