so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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