kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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