I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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