i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
