I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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