i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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