Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
