So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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