the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
