I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
