i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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