and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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