I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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