turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
