Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
