I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
