He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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