there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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