There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
