Whod you bang
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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