you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
