My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
