can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
