Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
